NOT LISTENING

She asked if she could come tonight, he accepted. She knocked at the door, he opened the door.
She sat on the sofa, a very comfortable dark red sofa while he finished something in the kitchen, then he walked towards her where she sat and watched him get closer. He didn’t notice it, that she had her eyes on him. There was just something about him but she couldn’t figure it out, what it was. He was cute but not that much. He was pretty in some weird way. He was …
there was just something (about him).

Without realising how close he sat down next to her, he sat down and looked her in the eyes as if he’d just noticed that another human being was in his apartment.
Normally she’d back away if people would get too close, but not this time. She just gazed in his eyes. She blinked, he started to talk about something but she didn’t hear it as her eyes slipped down to his mouth, his lips were moving and she realised that he was talking, she wasn’t listening. Her eyes popped right back up and met his eyes. She smiled, not a good timing perhaps.
She had absolutely no idea what he had said. Fortunately he liked her smile and replied with a smile of his own. His face got lost as the smile got wider. Question marks appeared in his pupils but he didn’t ask just jet for this unorthodox behaviour took him by surprise. She blinked and looked down in her palms, finally he asked what was so amusing. The question marks in his pupils multiplied and half of them jumped to her eyes… And as they landed she asked back “didn’t you notice what I did?”. Her eyes got big as an anime character, her eyes were nice, they were green. He shook his head confused but curious. She didn’t know whether he was being honest or just messing with her, because he did that sometimes, for his own amusement. The bastard he could be at times.
“What?” he said after what seemed to be a very long and awkward silence. She blushed and withdrew her shoulders towards her ears. Then she looked away for a few seconds, took a deep breath and just before she looked back into his eyes she said hesitating “I was…” she paused while her eyes escaped to see what was going on with her wiggling hands, “I was ehrm… looking at your mouth”, another pause, “…your lips!!” she blurted out quickly. As soon as those words were out of her mind and body she looked at him as if she was expecting an award for a weird bravery. A medal for overcoming a big fear, a huge enormous obstacle. But his face remained the same, just as confused as before but with an extra ‘yeaaaahhh, aaaannd?’ feature mixed in it. “Which indicates…” she continued “…that I would like to have sex with you.”
Her eyes were sparkling with childish glow and her chin sank deep into her chest for she was repelling a giggle that needed to burst out. His eyes tripled in size along with the level of  surprise in his mind. The gravity lost hold of his eyebrows.
“But I don’t know if I want it, even though I was looking at your lips”, before she could finish that sentence her eyes were back on his lips. She smiled. She was starting to look a bit weird. “Maybe I just want to kiss you, but I’m not sure of that either”, she said. The smile on her face got a time off and her eyebrows got an extra unwanted weight. In deep thought she allowed her eyes to slip, once again, directly to his lips. She giggles and looks up. Their eyes meet. His eyes were nice, they were dark brown, almost black.
“Maybe I just wanted to know what it felt like to look at your lips”, she said all apologetic, trying very hard to make the smile go away, but she couldn’t. The smile was stuck, for a few more seconds and then her facial expression suddenly got very serious and she said “well, the truth is that I’ve been thinking about you for the last couple of weeks. When I go to sleep at night, I wonder if you’re already asleep or if you’re reading or watching something. During the day I think about what you might be doing, what you’re wearing, how you’re feeling and I’m afraid that I might have a crush on you” she confesses with emphasis on the word afraid. The combination on his face starts to whiten so she continues, “I don’t want you to be my boyfriend or anything, I don’t want anything from you, really. I like us just the way we are, just friends, best friends. I feel like I can talk to you about these things, my feelings, my endless, useless, dramatic thoughts without worrying about you being all judgmental. Because you’re not, you’re not judgmental. That’s what I like the most about you. And your patience. I love your patience. I love the way you respect me. But I do wonder whether I want to kiss you so that must mean something. I don’t think about other people like this”. Well, not many anyway, she thinks to herself. She looks at her hands again which seem to have calmed down.

He takes her left hand and holds it in his hands. He’s calm, “go on, I’m listening”. She withdraws her hand kindly from his because his hands were really warm. He smiles.

A tear appears. And another one, then the third and the rest of it… “I’ve made this mistake before, more than once actually”, she cries. “I was young and stupid”, she snivels, “… I had this awesome friend and after we had spent a lot of  time together, almost sixteen months, I began to get these feelings towards him. This longing that felt right but just so wrong at the same time. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted it or not so I thought to myself that our friendship was solid enough for one little act of sex. No matter how awkward or bad it would feel afterwards, we’d be strong enough to handle it, to deal with it. I convinced myself that it couldn’t possibly have so much effect on me, on us, on our so-called solid friendship, couldn’t do so much damage, but the day after, I began to feel this madness, this anger, furious! I was so mad at him, for no reason, no reason at all, I hated him, I hated everything about him but I had no reason to hate him so much, hate him at all. Nothing had changed about him, but I hated him for a long time and after six months with no communication and completely ignoring him I started to miss him so I called him.” She started crying heavily. “… but it was too late. He had met this girl and by the time I called they were already a couple and because of our stupid little careless act she doesn’t want us to be friends”. She blows her nose dramatically. “Fucking social rules”, she whispers bitterly in the other direction. (The direction away from him) “I’d do anything to have his friendship back and now that I have you and I’m feeling those things again, those things that I felt with him, I’m terrified.” She leaned on his right shoulder for support, he puts his arms around her. Suddenly the crying stops and she looks at him as if she’d just remembered that she left the stove on at her apartment, which she didn’t. Her sharp eyes  examine his big cute clueless eyes for a moment.
Another awkward silence that only he experienced. Then, she kissed him.